yeah...its been a while

I don't think its wrong to complain [only in moderation though]. thats my new outlook. I think its kinda of ridiculous that its the 4th of july, fireworks are going downtown and i am trying my hardest not to hear them. [Like listening to Emerey on my Zune. Which I know is way to loud because i can't hear the large amount of fans my dad has decided to set up in our house.] fireworks are my favorite part of holidays [which there are three that us here in the northwest illuminate the skies with the day after thanksgiving "black friday", New years eve, and ofcourse independence day]. Now most people who know me know that i do NOT [I can not repeat the word "not" enough in this circumstance] complain about anything. My best friend says that she envies me because i always know how to deal with the little problems in my life [but if anyone was to look at how "little" my problems were, they would see how big they are. the statement my best friend claims is like saying that its easy to fit a 747 into a 2 car garage....not going to happen anytime soon]. My best friend is jealous becuase I don't complain. I just sit back and take whatever is coming my way. I am not going to lie. I have alot of patience, alot more than most people...teenagers my age do. I'm 17 now and this past year i have dealt with [well to put it plainly] alot of shit. My sister lied to me. I forgave her, not only is it the "christianly" thing to do, but im not smeone to hold a grudge. The only boy i have ever come close to dating got another girl pregnant while we were still trying to figure out the whole relaitonship thing. And my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I'm not going to say these events are unfair at all. But how I let people treat dring these circumstances is unfair. I'm a people pleasing Jesus lover. I will shutup and listen to anyones problems and i love that so much. But this past year. I haven't talked about anything. I find myself yearning for something more. Silly enough thats to go and watch fireworks. They make me happy. My heart flutters at their thunderous noise, and no matter how terrified i may become in these short minutes of my life i feel inspired until the next holiday. yeah I know its weird, but iguess fireworks are my kind of drug. fireworks and music. I listen to my best friend talking about her counciller because of depression, and her past boyfriend and you know it hurts. Its been almost 6.5 months since i found out about my mom. I have cried about it three times. once at a winter camp, another during spring break, and finally when i stopped really caring about what was going on. its not healthy. actually i have only cried those three times out of these past 6.5 months. I'm a girl, shouldn't these emotions come at me naturally.
In drama i'm prude. and innocent and i don't mind if anyone calls me that. i have morals and who cares. maybe someday my future husband will thank me for only holding hands with my close guy friends who i shared no feelings with, and a gay guy. Everyone [including my teacher and he is a total hard ass on everyone] complimented me on not bringing drama to drama, [which believe it or not is a incredibly hard thing to do]. the only time i had talked about my mom in that class was when my teacher asked me how she was doing. only mr. seipp knew about my mom. I guess my chemistry teacher found out at the very end of the year when i was talking about it.
And that is what i am complaining about. I love being a nice person. but no one NO ONE understands me at all. [total teenage thing tos ay, right?] but thinks about it.
i was going to go watch the fireworks with my sister, but she was tired and has to go to work at 8. [ironically enough she is going to be on the phone with her boyfriend for a few hours. in the room we share. yes i share a rom. 17 & 18 years old and do my parents do anything about it?? no. who cares right? i know i don't mind listening to my sisters half of the conversation all night] im not always thinking about myself. but, when will it be my turn??
[grand finale]
im:-nice
-funny
-smart [when i want to be]
-easy to get along with
-caring
-not nearlyas judgemental as alot of people
-i take in other's opinions
-i help
-im not what you'd expect from someone my age
-i am immature when the time comes
-and i have waited seventeen years formy prince charming


so. when will he come? when will people see ME? who is going to understand what im going through? what my hopes are for life? when can i shine? when can i have the lead role? I'm ready God. I've been saying it for a while now. why won't you give me an oppertunity to shine? why are you going to take my closest guy friend away? how come i get the blame?
i want to be center stage, not care, give it all. but i can't. i want to and im ready, so how come? why hold me back? i can change the world.

recent occurences

My life lately has made me angry, even though I didn't really know it. I found out my mom has cancer right before christmas, and she started chemo just a few weeks after. It never really hit me though, I hadn't become upset. But when I was hanigng out with my best friends, they said that I became realy angry lately. I was thinking "noo, I am not angry", but it was one of htose things where soicne it was pointed out, I couldn't help but pay more attention to my actions. I was angry, and even now as I look back on my life, thats how I deal with situations, I get angry. After that occured to me, I thought I was doomed to anger for the rest of my life. But God totally blessed me. Me and my best friends have been hanging out wtih other people. Its so great. I never really realized how great my friends are. And even though I know i am angry, I don't think I realize that my mom has cancer though. yes, she is bald. But it hasn't even been that long and god has totally changed me already. I am happy.

I want...

I want to be smarter, I want to be shorter, I want to be skinnier, I want to be prettier, I want to change the world, I want to inspire, I want to do something great, I want to seem more wise than I should be, I want to be closer to God and yet keep the same habits i have created for myself over the years, I want to know what love is, I want a boyfriend, and [most of all] I want to be wanted. sadly, my list goes on. And I find even greater dissapointment in myself for thinking about each of these wants nearly every day. i am sitting here on new years eve and i can't stop thinking of who i want to be. is that bad? is it wrong to desire to be something greater? i don't think so, but only to a certain extent. sometimes i wish i was someone else, i had more money, i didn't have a sister, i had more friends, i tried in school and got good grades. that is bad for me to do, in the depression i find in all my insecurities, i become even more angry with myself and God for not having the confidence that most other girls my age seem to have. i soemtimes sit at my computer waiting until a thought comes to me that i think is smart, i write about it and then never post it. thats not who i am. i am not wise, i don't know the world, i haven't experienced life enough to say something that will make an impression on someone. at 16.5 years old, all i know about the world and life is i don't like it at all.

16.5 years.

I have been living in this wold for 16.5 years. When I was younger, that would seem like an eternity, but as I look back on my life, I sometimes feel the complete opposite. Especially when I look at what i have and haven't done, [most haven't done]. I have gone snowboarding and I love it, I go to church, I have good friends, I have gone through many times in my life where I felt great, I felt so close to God like everything was right in my life. But on the other hand, I have experienced just as many [or possibly even more], hurt and pain in my life. Well atleast thats what I like to think. But I realize that its easier for me to remember and hold onto the moments in my life that hurt me the most. I can't help but wonder why its easier to feel regret and pain, than it is to feel happy. No, I'm not depressed, I don't even know if others feel the same way I do. But I can distinctly remember when I found my best friend did drugs, or when I was hanging out with this guy and he did a drug deal infront of me [basically, he lied about it, but I knew what he was doing], I remember being rejected by boys. But I forget that some boys, and pursueing me to a point where I was kinda freaked out. I have had a happy life...My parents are together, we go to church together [and our church is totally great], we have money, I have great best friends, you know, the list goes on. But then as I am writing this, I am thinking to myself "well, what about what happened with casey?", "What about my grades?", "I don't have my license yet.", [and the most common] "I am 16.5 years old and I have never had a boyfriend." Why do we always focus on the negative? Why can't we open our eyes to the tiny miracles that keep us alive. Like our hearts and our brains...Neither can 'survive' without eachother. And how come, we don't take those negativities and apply them to our lives so we can learn, and we can teach?