I want...

I want to be smarter, I want to be shorter, I want to be skinnier, I want to be prettier, I want to change the world, I want to inspire, I want to do something great, I want to seem more wise than I should be, I want to be closer to God and yet keep the same habits i have created for myself over the years, I want to know what love is, I want a boyfriend, and [most of all] I want to be wanted. sadly, my list goes on. And I find even greater dissapointment in myself for thinking about each of these wants nearly every day. i am sitting here on new years eve and i can't stop thinking of who i want to be. is that bad? is it wrong to desire to be something greater? i don't think so, but only to a certain extent. sometimes i wish i was someone else, i had more money, i didn't have a sister, i had more friends, i tried in school and got good grades. that is bad for me to do, in the depression i find in all my insecurities, i become even more angry with myself and God for not having the confidence that most other girls my age seem to have. i soemtimes sit at my computer waiting until a thought comes to me that i think is smart, i write about it and then never post it. thats not who i am. i am not wise, i don't know the world, i haven't experienced life enough to say something that will make an impression on someone. at 16.5 years old, all i know about the world and life is i don't like it at all.

16.5 years.

I have been living in this wold for 16.5 years. When I was younger, that would seem like an eternity, but as I look back on my life, I sometimes feel the complete opposite. Especially when I look at what i have and haven't done, [most haven't done]. I have gone snowboarding and I love it, I go to church, I have good friends, I have gone through many times in my life where I felt great, I felt so close to God like everything was right in my life. But on the other hand, I have experienced just as many [or possibly even more], hurt and pain in my life. Well atleast thats what I like to think. But I realize that its easier for me to remember and hold onto the moments in my life that hurt me the most. I can't help but wonder why its easier to feel regret and pain, than it is to feel happy. No, I'm not depressed, I don't even know if others feel the same way I do. But I can distinctly remember when I found my best friend did drugs, or when I was hanging out with this guy and he did a drug deal infront of me [basically, he lied about it, but I knew what he was doing], I remember being rejected by boys. But I forget that some boys, and pursueing me to a point where I was kinda freaked out. I have had a happy life...My parents are together, we go to church together [and our church is totally great], we have money, I have great best friends, you know, the list goes on. But then as I am writing this, I am thinking to myself "well, what about what happened with casey?", "What about my grades?", "I don't have my license yet.", [and the most common] "I am 16.5 years old and I have never had a boyfriend." Why do we always focus on the negative? Why can't we open our eyes to the tiny miracles that keep us alive. Like our hearts and our brains...Neither can 'survive' without eachother. And how come, we don't take those negativities and apply them to our lives so we can learn, and we can teach?